My Declaration of Independence from Fr/Ed

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one woman, LEANNA, to dissolve the bods which have connected her to Fr/Ed, and to assume, among the powers of the Earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and Nature’s God entitle her, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that she should declare the causes which IMPEL her to the SEPARATION.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all mankind are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are LIFE, LIBERTY, and the PURSUIT of HAPPINESS, that whenever Fr/Ed becomes destructive of these ends it is RIGHT to ABOLISH Fr/Ed and institute RECOVERY, laying its foundation on such principles and in such form as shall seem most likely to effect SAFETY and HAPPINESS. When a long train of abuses, pursuing invariably the same woman evinces a design to REDUCE her under ABSOLUTE DESPOTISM, it is her RIGHT, it is her DUTY, to throw OFF Fr/Ed, and to provide RECOVERY for her future SECURITY. The history of Fr/Ed is a history of repeated injuries, all having in direct object the establishment of an ABSOLUTE TYRANNY over Leanna. To prove this, let facts be submitted:

Fr/Ed has...

refused to let Leanna find happiness and peace

forced her to lie to family and friends

made her steal food from stores, roommates, and friends

jeopardized relationships with loved ones

made her drop out of school

made her homeless

made her bust open her head, sprain her ankle, crack her shins, and sprain her shoulder

leave Yogaville in tears and desperation

miss countless social engagements because she was scared of bingeing, because she thought she was fat, because she was so ashamed of a binge she couldn’t get out of bed

be flakey and disappoint her friends 

isolate herself from her friends that love her

put added stress on her relationship with Doug

lie to Doug about eating, not eating, exercising, not exercising, where she is, when she’ll come visit, and how she’s feeling

isolate herself from Doug because of guilt, shame, embarrassment, and fear

made her gain an unhealthy amount of weight

made her eat entire jars of peanut butter

made her so skinny she lost her period

gave her panic attacks around food and exercise

made her binge, purge, starve, overexercise

ravaged Leanna’s life and harmed the lives of people close to her

cut off Leanna’s emotions

taken away years of Leanna’s life and made them feel dark and empty

suspended Leanna’s own mind and declared himself invested with the power to legislate Leanna’s world

refused to allow her to improve in running, biking, and climbing due to inadequate nutrition and rest

taken away Leanna’s feelings, good and bad, abolished her most valuable morals, and altered fundamentally her values

taken away walks, meals, runs, yoga classes, climbing trips, bike rides, and entire days to use for his own benefit

taken away days at Tapestry for his own benefit

hates Leanna and wants her to die

makes Leanna believe that she deserves nothing good in this world, that she is a failure and always will be

In every state of these oppressions, Leanna has petitioned for redress in the most humber terms. Her repeated Petitions have been answered only by REPEATED INJURY. Leanna must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces her SEPARATION, and HOLD FR/ED AS THE ENEMY.

Leanna, therefore, solemnly publishes and declares that she is FREE and INDEPENDENT, that she is ABSOLVED from all the allegiance to Fr/Ed, and that ALL CONNECTIONS between Fr/Ed and her ought to be TOTALLY DISSOLVED, and that as a FREE and INDEPENDENT woman she has the full power to eat healthily, live in peace, and to do all other acts and things which independent people do. And for the support of the Declaration, with a firm reliance on the Protection of Divine Providence, Leanna mutually pledges to her family and friends her hard work, her honesty, her determination, and her humor in BEATING THIS ASSHOLE INTO THE GROUND.

things that make me happy

1. making friends

2. southern accents

3. sunny days

4. clean sheets

5. talking about my research to people who are fascinated by the same stuff

6. learning about brains

7. yoga

gratitude

in the spirit of the changing seasons, our yoga teacher encouraged us today to pick a quality we'd like to cultivate in ourselves this spring. 

i picked gratitude.

i am struggling to be grateful for this past winter, but most of the gratitude i feel is for its end. 

for many months, i have tolerated and suffered and muscled my way through my life. 

i've psyched myself up to go to my classes. a year ago, i would've given my right arm to be admitted to my program.

i've forced myself to eat, an activity i used to associate with friends, family, and pleasure. 

i've browbeat myself into attending yoga classes, cycling, running - activities i used to attack with zeal.

i've merely tolerated the many of the people around me, vigilantly minding my manners and keeping my negativity to myself. i used to delight in the company of others. 

i've muscled through writing, dreading sitting down at my computer and barely completing assignments on time. and i love to write. 

what happened here? of course the answer is more complicated than i'd like it to be, and i may never know the exact chain of events (internal and external) that made me feel so removed from joy, so challenged by my life, so fearful and alone. 

but i think i know a piece of the solution.

gratitude. 

i am grateful for the opportunity to be PAID to do what i LOVE - to learn and read and write, to talk about the things that matter to me, to spend my time with others who are also committed to the pursuit of knowledge and the the improvement of our world. 

i am grateful that to starve myself is a CHOICE i make, rather than an insurmountable reality. i am grateful for the abundance of food and vow to treat it with the respect that it deserves. 

i am grateful that my body is ABLE to move. i am grateful for the time to exercise, and i am grateful for the positive impact it has on my life. to have a body is a privilege, and it deserves love, respect, and nourishment. 

i am grateful for the PEOPLE in my life, those with whom i get along and those against whom i chafe. i have much to learn from my smart, beautiful, nutty community - about the world, about them, and about myself. 

thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

happy thursday (and valentine's day!)

good morning!

thank you, universe, for a sunny and productive morning. thank you for the bounty of yummy eggs coming out of my backyard. thank you for the full day ahead.

please let me take these feelings of peace, power, and gratitude with me as i go about my day. please let me remember to surrender not to that which is unworthy of me, but to surrender only to my radiance, my integrity, and my beautiful human grace.

rules to thrive by

1. don't try to write at home.

every time i try to write at home, i procrastinate. generally by eating snacks. and the dogs bug me. and my roommates bug me. and i should do my laundry. also my room is messy. also i think i'm hungry again.

home is a sanctuary. home is a happy place. it should not be where i freak out about my inability to write coherently about feminist approaches to international relations.